Storms Will Come: The Past and the Furious

How do you bounce back from the brink of destruction? When your relationship feels like it's in quicksand and sinking fast, what do you do? How disheartening is it when you feel like you are about to turn the corner and get the clearance to go full steam ahead with your plans only to be derailed again and again, time after time?

With relationships I have learned that this is often the case. You have faith things will get better, and they do but it's short lived. I have encountered in my relationship this very same occurence time and again. At one time I can say I placed the bulk of the blame on my mrs. We won't get into whether I was justified or not because the point is that's what I did. I in turn reacted based on that and now I'm carrying the bag of blame and I say wholeheartedly I'm in the wrong. She was wrong, I was wrong, we were wrong. Forget the reasoning behind it, the question is...how do you move past it?

Well, hung.... (Mature audiences only...guys...you've been warned)

Disclaimer: Just before we get into the following post, I'd like to advise you that it IS for mature audiences, and I'd like to remind you that my brother and I are completely and totally, hetero. Doubt us, try us. Yeah, you'll understand later...

So, with the love-fest that has surrounded the show Hung (I don't have showtime, but have heard more about the show than I'd care too) my brother and I were talking about societies overwhelming obsession with penis...more specifically, who is more obsessed and how important are certain aspects of the male member.

As far as the obsession, is it the men or the women? Meaning, are men more obsessed with penis or are women? In society(which is male dominated), phallic symbols are so prevalent, just turning on your TV has often been the subject of many a ruse. We build monuments that are "erect" in triumphant declaration...but reportedly have no relation to our members. We often talk about how much less of a man someone is or how weak they are as a man if they don't aren't "blessed". So much so that men have taken to naming it various names to pronounce is dominance...often times taking to grabbing it at various times during a rap concert or, as seen in a regular office, anytime of anyday that ends with the letter y. We won't even discuss the numerous amount of lives that were changed by high school PE.

But at the same time, women are quick to let you know that you are the smallest thing she's seen over 1 day old...once you break up that is. In our overtly sexual daily lives, women have taken a liking to demanding to feel the package, check the bulge, or even give you a number before you can THINK about her in any other position than walking away and saying goodbye. The ever infamous BDR (Bad Dick Report) that comes from not only your performance, but the genes that make up the flesh that you are given without any input from yourself. Male of female, I don't have to point out how many ED drugs are advertised JUST in time for dinner with the family.

There is no debating it, dick runs the world.

Per Netdoctor.com: "A non-erect penis usually measures between 8.5cm and 10.5cm (3-4 inches) from tip to base."

Per About.com: "The average penis is 5-7 inches (127 to 178 mm)long when erect (measured from the tip of the penis head to the abdomen)."

Look, I already know that some of us will say that this average, just like most other medical charts, must be based on white folks. So, for those of you who say that, let's talk indulge.

There actually is a site called Penis.com where they conducted an anonymous survey asking men to note their size and race (amongst other things) and send them in to compile stats. They found that the averages per race were(race / flacid / erect):

White / 3.9 / 5.9
Black / 4.1 / 6.5
Asians / 3.2 / 5.4
Hispanic / 3.4 / 5.9

The girth variance was only about a tenth of an inch different between the sexes, averaging 5 inches.

So, with this as a baseline, how important is size and who is it more important to? In Scott Poulson-Bryant's book Hung: A Meditation on the Measure of Black Men in America (Doubleday, 2005), he interviews men with 10 inch jawns and asks them, basically, how they feel about it. There is a guy who is extra macho and Dexter St. Jock about it, but another guy feels uncomfortable and almost like he has certain things to live up to in and out of the bedroom.

I don't think that we can debate that penis size, even for a heterosexual man, is important, if you disagree, watch a video, go to the condom aisle at your local store (I've never seen any extra-small condom boxes), or pick up your latest remote (which for some reason now even has a bigger "head" like top...wassup with that Comcast?). But when it comes to women, how major is it? So I ask our more estrogenically (new word) blessed readers, how important is it to you? PLEASE be honest even if you have to be anonymous. Also make sure to check back after you answer the following questions as we hope to get some good discussion going.

What's more important, his size or his make up? (Ex. will you deal with more undesirable things if he has a bigger than average *established by the chart* penis, or if he's a good guy with a average or less than average member?) Of course, this is with the understanding that none of the undesirables fall in your deal breakers category and that chemistry is where you need it to be, ya know, all things being equal.

In your experience, how accurate is the reported chart as far as size?

How important is size to you in picking a member for a lasting emotional relationship? i.e. marriage, long term monogamy

How important is size to you in picking a member for a sexual relationship?

How harshly or favorably do you treat a man based on his size?

add any other input you'd like.

Alter Boys to Men (Wright view)

So, following the lead of my good brother, I will attempt to answer "why did I get married." I think it's important to note that I had been engaged two previous times and I've gotta talk about those as well. Progression and process is important...and I am a Pisces.

Engagement #1-She was someone who intrigued me from the jump. From the first moment I saw her, I was attracted (of course right?) The more I learned about her and her passions the more I was attracted. As the relationship progressed (this being my second "major" relationship) I fell pretty hard...even though there were signs that I needed to be gone...a LOT of signs. She had a son when I met her and I had become quite attached to the boy and was the only male figure in his life. As our relationship deteriorated and the signs became more rampant, I held the relationship I had with the child more dear. I asked her to marry me to finish what I'd started for the child as well as trying to fix our relationship by showing that I was there for them. THAT AIN'T WORK. The more I became available and committed, the more she ran. Eventually, she ran to a hotel to sleep with another guy...again (toldja, there were signs.)

Engagement #2-Trying to learn from my previous mistakes, I approached this relationship completely different. Until it came to being engaged. Once things got really rocky, I thought the ring would fix it. I cared for her (thought it was love at the time) and thought that what she wanted was something firm, tangible.

Up to this point, I treated marriage as the fix to problems. Where did I get that from? Well, I've always been close to females and the number one gripe from them was that when it started going bad, it was because they were confused or unsure about what was going on, where things were headed. Since they were unsure, they would do things to test the relationship or become hyper sensitive trying not to be hurt.

Engagement #3-Either the third time is a charm or three strikes and you are out. I'd really grown to understand myself more and my own shortcomings in a relationship. While there were issues in my previous relationships, and there was a good host of them that were external of myself, there were my own issues that could not be ignored. To do the same thing and expect a different result is the definition of crazy. Now when you couple that with the idea of love which is not a rational emotion, you get a lot of heartache, pain, and tears. I had to address myself. My communication was the BIGGEST thing I dissected. To this point, I was probably more reactive than I should have been and a lot less rational. I was far to selfish and not nearly as considerate as I thought I was.

I'd dated a few women with this new mindset and things went fantastic with me understanding myself and my own triggers, but none of them really left that indelible mark on me, so I (we) would move on. Then I met her. Simply put, there was no one else that I'd rather spend my life with.

You can try to live within physical parameters of faithfulness and stability and all that kind of Hollywood stuff, but at the end of the day, who do you want to have the good and the bad times with? She was it. Am I saying that I'm cool with her stepping out or me stepping out, no. What I am saying is that that is not the focus of our marriage and was not the focus when I asked her to marry me. Who would you rather have at your side for it all, when I came to that understanding about marriage, I realized that throughout my lifetime, she was the answer to that question.

Alter Boys to Men

"what are some of the reasons why men decide to get married...apart from family/society pressure?" That was the question posed by Brie in the comment section of the Minds of Men entry. We're not going to formulate the answer in the form of a podcast but I'm going to give my take and of course my brother from another, S-Dub, can offer his take. My answer is not universal but it works for me and probably many others.

Men get married when the music stops. I don't think family and society's pressure play a significant part in the man's decision. A guy can be dating a wonderful woman but as long as the music is playing, he's not in such a hurry to grab a seat. The music I speak of is not literal. Sometimes a guy looks up and realizes the life he has been living (partying, dating, sexing, just pure bachelorhood) is no longer appealing and he wants to switch it up a bit. That desire to swicth it up is what I mean by the music stopping. This is the time the man is in a best friend/family planning/establishing his legacy frame of mind. Meaning the woman he is with he has designated as his best friend whom he feels he can spend the rest of his life with. This is the woman with whom he would like to start a family. And this is the woman that will help him establish his legacy, whatever that legacy may be for him. Homeowner...ambitious business man...Charles Ingles family man and provider...whatever. She is an important piece of his long term puzzle. This is when the music stops and the man taps into his inner Mr. Spock.

Which brings me to the second prong of my theory, Logic. A Man's decision to get married more often than not is very logical and seldom emotional. Sure emotional love needs to be there but to the man, it also has to be a logical decision. That is why men look past women they are in love with until it is a logical time to proceed (that time being when the music stops). Now again, this theory is not universal. Plenty of men marry for individual reasons. Most though look at where they are, where they want to be, and whether or not the person they're with can help them get there. So until the time is right Shannon, men are more than happy to Let The Music Play...and when it stops...we take our "seat" at the alter swiftly.

Cue music.

The Emasculation Proclamation

Women think dudes are intimidated by their success. "Some men can't handle that I make more money than them." "Why should I have to downplay my success simply to coddle the ego of a man?" Aight Sunshine, we've heard it all before. Let me offer a gentleman's perspective on this. (Most) Dudes are not intimidated by women's success. The problem that is really presented is how money dictates the man's role. What I mean is, if the man was pulling in more loot, women are more inclined to defer to the man's judgment and give him more "respect." What I think begins to cause a problem is our relationships begin to mirror society in the sense that the amount of respect given correlates to the amount of money you make thus creating a caste system within relationships.

Ballers and shot callers are deferred to and given much love and respect. People who are not Ballers wait in the cheese line. Well I think that women feel if the dude isn't bringing in the loot or isn't as accomplished as she is then his opinions and input are less valuable. Between societal reminders of such and the covert (and sometimes overt) expressions (read reminders) of such from women, I think that is what turns a relationship sour. IF you subscribe to some of the traditional roles of a relationship, chances are just cause the dude doesn't pull in loot doesn't mean he's an imbecile and he may know what he's talking about sometimes. Treat him the same way you would a Baller. If you ever notice, Ballers tend to be a little more overbearing and asshole-ish because they feel a sense of entitlement to do so because of what they bring to the table. Apparently this behavior is not gender specific. So if you don't like asshole, well to do men giving you their ass to kiss...perhaps you should follow suit and not do the same.

Mister Always in the Wrong - Unsweetened Justice

Ever notice that whenever a relationships infraction is commited we assume the man is the guilty party? A jusry of 12 angry women band together and only halfway listen to the evidence. The ladies are prejudiced from the start; an impartial jury is an anomaly. First, you have a jury comprised of women who probably have been a "victim" themselves. So as they sit and listen to the "evidence" they're already thinking or saying, "girl what'd he do this time?" "What crazy off the wall expectations does he have now?" "What is he not understanding?" Without even hearing both sides of the story, Mr. Wright is Mr. In The Wrong. It's bananas. Unfathomable that maybe, just maybe, the lady is f**king up, or f**king up more than the dude. Maybe she is the guilty party. I'm sure part of the problem is people mainly talk about the bad ish someone does or neglects to fully disclose the bad ish they're doing. I think we're all guilty of that. Still, despite knowledge that this occurs, the gavel is almost always swung and the verdict is unanimous, and the man is guilty with no chance of being innocent. Stats are partially to blame. Many dudes have worn orange jumpers based on previous run ins. However, last I checked women wear those jumpers sometimes too. We can't hold tight to once an offender always an offender. Each case has its own set of facts and circumstances.

Male tolerance levels are also to blame. With women outnumbering men at staggering rates, it's not expected that a man will stay in a relationship and tolerate women's bullish. It is expected that we will just move on like the dogs we are. When other men AND women hear about the things that a man is enduring, MOST people look at the man like, "dude what's your problem? Just leave." Dudes will tell you, "I wouldn't tolerate that sh*t." Women will look at you like you're some punk ass man who puts up with too much ish. All of a sudden not only are we dealing with all that's going on inside the relationship but we're stigmatized by everyone outside the relationship. Women are understanding to other women tolerating ish off a man because apparently men are too hard to find and some things come with the territory when dealing with men. But for a man, standing by a woman putting you through some hardships is intolerable and unacceptable by both genres.

So what's a man to do when the sword held by lady justice is double edged, she's not blindfolded, and the scales are heavily tipped in favor of one side? You're foolish if you stay, you're shallow and lack understanding if you leave. This post is very general...no examples given, none are necessary. It's not about presenting something that will allow you to form your judgment on whether a dude is right or wrong. This is all about the fact that sometimes women can be in the wrong, *gasp.* And yes sometimes we are taking a lot of ish off of women as well.

The Good Life

I posted the following status on fb:

"has anyone ever noticed that a**holes are the happiest people on the planet? They live life without any expectations placed upon them except to do what they want and be what they are. If/When you become an a**hole, other a**holes greet you by saying, "welcome to the good life!"

Now you may or may not agree with this but it's true. There may not be any statistical evidence to support my claim but none is needed. Just think about your own life. Consider this:

• Deadbeat Dads
• (Reckless) Criminals shooting blindly into a crowd of people
• Abusers
• The "1 night" stand that you didn't expect to be just for 1 night
• The mofo who cut you off that day, ignoring all traffic laws and consideration for others
• The friend that only calls when they need something but didn't bother to wish you a happy birthday

And that's just to name a few. What do they all have in common? They're assholes. Point Blank. Moreover, to piggy back off of the previous post, women love em! 8 out of 10 women prefer assholes. The other 2 women like nice guys because they feel assholes are out of their league. Assholes are the shit to women (no pun). They're mysterious, sexy, blah, blah, blah...everything you know you should avoid but can't. Because people, especially women, love assholes. Some men become assholes just so they can get women. Underneath, he's Steven Urkel, but for the sake of getting his dick wet, he's Rasheed "make your knees weak" Williams (just an arbitrary name I came up with, sounds black, alpha male, and attractive to women). The celebrity you love, asshole. The CEO of the company that takes millions while others get laid off, asshole. The lady in the drop top benz yapping on her phone weaving in and out of traffic cutting people off, asshole. All happy. But all assholes. And for some sadistic reason, most of us love em. Check yourself!

Welcome to the good life!